A little bit more about me.

Self love is a journey. One that I feel I am on a better road to.

I’ve made several steps so far, one of which was to talk about my journey and general musings on this blog. So, with that in mind, I thought I’d share a bit more about me personally.

I’ve found that speaking about why I feel the way I feel and the things I’ve dealt with in the past is a way of trying to move on from it. If you identify your torment, you can try to overcome it. So, here I go… (I’ll try break it up with random photos!)

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Me at my hen do 🙂

I’m originally from Hertfordshire and we moved to Norfolk when I was 9. I was moved from a school of normal size to a primary school that had a total of about 28 pupils (years 1-6)!

Now then, you have bullies in every school, no matter which one you go to. And sure enough, I encountered them when I moved. The trouble was, I had very few people to fall back onto when it happened.

As you can tell from the photo, I have dark hair and dark eyebrows, and this was the main crux of what I was bullied for.

The first was that I had eagles on my face (my eyebrows). This was said to me aged 9 by a boy in the year above me, repeatedly.

I had no friends at the primary school I moved to (same old story), so I moved up to high school very shy, very quiet, not feeling too great and very alone.

Year 7 I had to get the bus to school, it took about an hour from our little village.

While on the bus, these boys starting taunting me for the hair by the side of my ears and rather inventively mercifully called me ‘sideburns’ for about 2 years, every day. For a long time, I couldn’t even bring myself to say that word, and would cringe when I heard it.

I’ve also not shown them since, they are always covered, even when my hair is up.

It then extended to the hair on my arms, and my back, and I was called Chewbacca, a bit more inventive that. This was quite constant throughout the rest of high school.

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Me, aged 16, at my schools leavers day

So yeah, from the age of 9/10 I was bullied for my looks, by boys and most of which was the fact I looked like a man.

It is entirely because of this that I have a problem believing I look good. I was made to care way too much about how I look at a young age and I’ve not really stopped.

I had little to no confidence in everything I did. My self esteem plummeted and I hated the way I looked most days.

And the fact that it was all from boys, when I got with Sam I still didn’t believe him when he said I was beautiful.

It’s not a shocking story, it happens to everyone, I’m no different to a lot of people who have been bullied, but I wanted to share it anyway.

I am A LOT better than I was, I do look in the mirror now and see things I like. But, like everyone, I get days when I can’t find anything good.

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Baby Hayley and Sam

I get so annoyed that I feel this way sometimes, but that’s just part of me. When I get ready, it sometimes takes me longer to accept that I look good, I’ll often go through a few outfit changes before I feel comfortable, and that’s okay.

It’s never going to leave me, feeling like I do sometimes, but over the years it has got easier. And at the moment, I’m the best I have ever felt, and I am well and truly embracing it.

Thank you for reading, I hope that maybe by me opening up it makes others want to do the same, I honestly feel much better for doing so.

 

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WEDDING!

So there’s a pretty big reason I haven’t blogged in ages, and that’s because I have been planning and then GETTING MARRIED!

It was quite simply the happiest day of my life. A day where I got to marry my best friend, share our love with the people we love the most and celebrate the night away!

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Everything was perfect and I just wish I could do it all again! The day really does go quickly!

My favourite bits:

  • walking down my stairs into my living room and having my dad see me for the first time and cry.
  • walking down the aisle and seeing Sam cry when he saw me
  • going into our reception room briefly before the ceremony to chat to the registrar and seeing all the beautiful decorations just how I had visioned it
  • watching from a distance as all our friends and family chatted to each other, some for the first time
  • being ridden on a golf buggy by Sam down to this little stream to take couple photos (he can’t drive so….!)
  • dancing the night away with everyone, right up until the last song at midnight

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After our wedding, we whisked off to Paris for a cheeky mini-moon, so now I’m no longer planning a wedding, that will be the next travel-themed post I write 🙂

A different kind of post…

Hey! So this is me, loving life on Cromer beach.

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I’ve struggled quite a bit with loving my appearance, and I’m not really what you would call confident. I am a heck of a lot better than I was, and gradually, with the help of my parents, friends and husband, I can see the beauty in myself. I also had enough confidence to stand up and do a speech recently at my wedding.

I posted this photo on my Instagram recently with this caption:

“I’m finally, well and truly learning to embrace who I am. I now look at myself and instead of pick out the negative things, like my thick thighs and apparent missing top lip when I smile, I find the positive ones, like my eyes and lashes, small waist and my personality. I’ve constantly battled with trying to love myself, some days are good and some aren’t, just like everyone. And for the first time in a long time I’ve had so many good days. I’m fully embracing this at the moment. I typically care way too much what people think about me, about my appearance, and I think I’m truly on the right road to stopping that.”

I received a lot of great support from it, and it encouraged me to put myself out there in ways I haven’t done before, to spread the love and positivity and practice mindfulness.

So that’s what I’ve added to this blog, a tab aptly called ‘not travel’ where I will post all things related to the above 🙂